Spiritual Bleach for Cleansing the Habit of “Holding on to Hurt”

Wouldn’t a feeling of a slight distress arise if we had to hold a glass for a whole day? It would become a tiring ordeal and loss of power for the body if we had to hold something heavy for a whole day. Anything related to physical matters is very loud and clear to us. Hence we put down the glass or the heavy object after some time because we can clearly experience the discomfort of the action. Do we also clearly see the discomfort and loss in power we experience because of holding on to a hurt or an emotional pain? Or do we carry the burdens of past hurts for ages? Many of us egotistically say, ‘I will never see that person’s face and forgive them as they hurt me deeply’. Physically we might have moved away from this person, but have we let go of them from our mind too? Or day in and day out we are recreating the hurt and waiting for them to apologize? If we find out that today is the last day of our life, would we still not want to let go of this hurt and hold grudges against people? Sometimes these questions help us in thinking more comprehensively and positively. To me life is too beautiful and I can’t let anyone take that beauty of life away from me. It's too precious to give away. Self pity and resentment are easy routes where we blame others for our misery. I was educated at Brahma Kumaris to check if that easy route is bringing benefit or causing huge damages in the long run. This knowledge has made me deeply understand that holding on to hurt is one of the biggest damage we can do to ourselves and our dear ones. It is not just us suffering, but our dear ones who didn’t cause the pain also suffer along with us. The clarity received through the knowledge has helped me to let go of the past pain. I feel free, light, and life seems so much more beautiful.

Can anybody really hurt us?

Physically people can hurt us, but can they hurt us emotionally too? People have the freedom to say bitter, abusive, and critical words. Don’t we have the freedom to create hurt using those words or remain unaffected by it? We are choosing to create hurt and holding on to it. We have many examples in history (Gandhi, Buddha, etc) of great souls who chose to create mercy and forgiveness. Why did they do it? It was not just because they cared for others. But, they genuinely loved themselves the most. This was not selfish love for themselves, but a love based on knowledge that if they created hurt they would suffer the most. Who are we really to forgive anyone? We should actually apologize to ourselves because we have been hurting ourselves the most by creating pain.

Is it not reasonable to expect from others basic decency?

If the world were perfect, in other words people living in this world were all sweet, then it would be good to have expectation that everyone speaks only sweetly. That expectation would automatically always be met. In this world, is it sensible to have such expectations? We can have all the expectations we want, but shouldn’t we also check the percentage of expectations that are being met versus not met and the feelings that get generated when they are not met. A smart player changes their strategy according to the surrounding and the opponent. Should we hold on to the default method of creating hurt whenever the players in the field of game called life hits us with bitter words? Is that winning or losing? It's good to keep the strategy if we are winning, but if we are losing shouldn’t we adopt a new strategy?

Should we just keep ignoring people’s hurtful words and behaviors?

A better question to ask is, “what beneficial and powerful strategy should I adopt when someone ill treats me?”

1. Reflect (Copycat): Absorb their words internally, create hurt, and reflect the same hurt back to them through our bitter words and actions. Many of us play this ping pong game of negativity that leads to a lot of frustration, resentment, and hatred. Should we let go of our beautiful decent and dignified nature because others are indecent? Should we give anyone power to change our core personality or identity?
2. Absorb (Sorrow): Absorb their words , create hurt, become sad, share the sadness with others, and become even more sad. Continue to create sorrow for many years or entire life and experience acute depression. Can such a person take care of work, family, or anything?
3. Transform (unaffected): A knowledgeable soul due to utter love for the self does not create hurt because that is self damaging. Instead they keep themselves stable by transforming the hurt that is sent their way through thoughts like:

• A variety of people exist in this world and they all behave differently. Everyone one has the freedom to be and I cannot control them. Only my thoughts and feelings are in my control.
• Every situation in life is a tailor-made lesson for my growth. Let me check the lack of what virtue in me is causing me to create hurt.
• Past karma is being settled. As per laws of the universe, energy that I sent is bound to come back. The negative energy that I sent in the past is back, but let me not create hurt and send negative energy again in the present. I am smart and wise, I only want positive energy to come back in the future.

Once the negative energy sent our way has been transformed through knowledge, from their inner powerful stage they either:

• Speak up with a balance of love and power to calm the other person
• With an inner smile move away from that situation completely unaffected
• Finally, they send good wishes for the other person to heal

Steps to Transform the Habit of “Holding on to Hurt”

1. Compulsion Root Cause Analysis

What do we get from creating and holding on to hurt for ages? Indeed if we are practicing something then there is some transient, temporary, or superficial benefit in it. 

1. The one merit from this practice is that our ego gets boosted; “we are right and the world is wrong”. It is a very subtle feeling of being superior to others and that others or the world does not understand or deserve us. Ego is very deceptive because it clouds us from seeing the reality that we are living in the bitter past and suffering. Another fact is if we are so kind, sweet, and fair, then why are we not able to maintain that quality for the person that is hurting us? Can we treat the others fairly even if they are not fair to us? Can we be kind to the one that is unkind to us? Else both of us are the same, except the other one became unkind first and we later.
2. It is an easy route of blaming others, expecting them to apologize, and not having to change anything because we are perfect. Is this easy route allowing us to be happy, enthusiastic, and helping the people hurting others to change?
3. Few people hold on to hurt so that they don’t get hurt again. It is living life filled with an anticipation that the next person we meet might hurt us. Is this living or dying at every moment?
4. A subtle way of gaining attention (self pity) from others by showing off that we are sweet and have been wronged.

Below are a few of the damages that the habit of “holding on to hurt” causes:

• We are stuck in the problem mode for ages that someone hurt us. We wait, blame, and demand others to fix our emotions. Does the waiting ever end?

• Unknowingly we pass the hurt and sadness to our close ones. Creating pain automatically leads us to give pain to others. We have hurt within us and so hurt is what we can give to others.

• The habit of creating hurt, like a virus, spreads very fast and deeply. We were only a kindergarten graduate and held resentment towards one or two people. Slowly we get a Phd degree in creating hurt on the smallest matter and resentment towards many people.

• We stay in a prison of sadness, unenthusiasm, and hopelessness.

• We cannot experience love easily and nor can we give love to others.

• We are unable to appreciate our present as we are mainly living in the past.

• Life seems very unfair, meaningless, and hopeless.

2.Identification of the Source

Following are the main sources of thoughts that cause us to create and hold on to hurt.
a) Belief Systems: 

• I am not the creator of the hurt, somebody else gave it to me
• Feeling hurt is natural and normal when someone misbehaves with you
• People should treat others well, fair, and respectfully

b) Current Information: 

• Watching or reading a story that depicts a tale of someone being hurt by someone
• Keeping the company of people who encourage us to keep the hurt and never forgive the one that hurt us

c) Past Experiences: 

• Brought up in a family where people were extra sensitive and got hurt easily
• Possibly carrying the deep trait from previous births

3. Adoption of the New Source

New sources below can be adopted to let go of hurt.

a) Belief Systems: 

• I created the hurt using others’ bitter words or rude behavior, and only I can let go of hurt
• I am a kind, loving, and forgiving soul
• People who give pain feel the pain too

b) Current Information: 

In meditation, remind the self that:

• Toxins (bitter words) are dumped and not stored in the most sacred place (heart).
• I am a wise being, and will not create pain because it brings damage to body, relationship, emotional well being, and work.

4. Activation through Meditation

Meditation is the only way to activate our conscious mind. On an auto pilot mode the habit of holding on to hurt is causing us to experience a lot of pain and resentment. In meditation, the following steps can be followed to let go of the hurt against a specific individual.