Healing Relationship with the Significant Other
In today’s world many people are able to afford a family vacation to exotic places. The main intent of the vacation is to build stronger relationship by spending more time with each other. The reality is quite different from it as most people end up having even more closer relationship with their devices. A restaurant is typically filled with people not in active conversation or enjoying the food, but people busy lost in their devices. Rarely will you see people conversing with each other. Even if they do it is for a short time and then they are back on their device. Sadly it might be better this way because holiday season is the peak time for filing divorces as a result of spouses spending more time with each other. Isn’t it an irony that instead of the relationship getting healed, spending time is causing divorces? We live in a fictitious world that overall relationship is okay and avoid addressing the conflicts that are growing steadily. A little time with each other shows us clearly the reality about spouse’s expectations and opinion about us. At that time, we feel we have tried enough to please them. The ego prompts us to break the relationship. Does divorce really end the relationship? It does separate people physically, but does it disconnect them emotionally? Is it so easy to let go and be free?
What causes bitterness in relationship and ways to resolve it?
1. Misalignment between internal feelings and external behavior
We typically do a good job of appreciating others at the word and action level. We keep telling each other, “Honey, I love you”. Spouses also buy each other expensive gifts. At Brahma Kumaris, I was told the relationship starts at the thought level. We might be portraying our overflowing love for each other externally, but are the internal feelings aligned with our external behavior? A spouse might buy a very rare and expensive gift, but internally s/he might be thinking, ‘the trouble and effort I have to make to please her, wish I didn’t have to do all this’. Inside we are finding the relationship to be a burden, so no matter how hard we try to hide it those feelings are received by the other half. Luckily, they will not know what we are thinking but they catch the vibes of frustration in our action. The spouse who received the gift might just say, ‘thank you, you remembered’. Then the other half reacts by saying, “I went to such lengths to buy this gift for you and this is all you can say? It is pointless to make you happy.”
A deep understanding of the harm expectations do finishes it. Expectations means we don’t have it (empty inside, void of happiness) and hence are wanting others to complete us. It is a form of begging and demanding that bind us. A realization that we can create happiness on our own finishes expectations of happiness from others. Why wait for others to say things, do certain actions, or run their life as per our wish to feel happy? Expectation puts condition to our happiness, and why would we want to be conditionally happy when we have the option to always be happy?
The ability to mold ourselves makes us real gold. Why would anyone not want a companion who is vibrant and shining like gold😊? Lot of inner power and wisdom is needed to adjust ourselves as per others’ desires. This quality invokes our other beautiful qualities like tolerance, purity (selfless), and mercy. Many of us have silly and deep expectations like food to be made a certain way, house to be kept in a specific manner, or kids should be raised in a religious environment. One way to respond to others’ wishes is, ‘Why should I lose my independence or identity, why should I be the one always adjusts?’. The spouse also starts responding in a similar manner to our wishes, and at that time we say - ‘s/he can’t fulfill even my small wish’. Isn’t it wiser to adjust the self and gain not only others blessings but also increase the power to accommodate others? I have noticed that my spouse ends up agreeing to my opinion on big matters because he has been seeing lot of green signal from my side on his small small desires. Isn’t this magical and smarter way of living? It is important to not oblige to others request if it is against our values or core beliefs. For example if we strongly believe in vegetarianism, then we don’t need to give it up due to others expectations. Doing that certainly means losing your identity or your principles.
2. Open Communication Channel
Are we relying on friends and relatives to solve our relationship problems by listening to our stories? Aren’t they getting one sided story? It is important to ask ourselves are we looking for sympathy, acknowledgement that we are right, or seeking guidance to fix the relationship? Most of us are looking for sympathy or agreement that we are right and the spouse is wrong. This causes the relationship to deteriorate even more because we get more affirmation from our so called well wishers that Spouse is bad and we are good. Wouldn’t that give us even more fuel to feel agitated towards our partner? Why not do some deep self contemplation and figure out the root cause on our own? We are wise beings and all we need to do is to reach within for guidance. If we really want the relationship to heal, then we should either go inwards or reach out to the Spouse and have an open discussion about our concerns.
3. Listen More and Talk Less
In close relationships, we generally talk and share too much. Words have energy and can enable change to happen when used effectively and economically. When words are overused and are not in alignment with our thoughts, they lose their power (impact). That is why it is said, ‘Actions speak louder than words’. This proverb applies more to our close relationships. The need to talk prevents us from listening and understanding others’ core needs fully. It is the law of the universe that the one that fulfills others’ needs will automatically feel fulfillment. We can fulfill others only when we listen to their words and the feeling behind those words. Hurtful words spoil the relationship the most, and hence keeping the aim of talking less prevents us from making that mistake. My experience of practicing this mantra is that whenever I speak, my spouse listens fully and agrees to whatever I say immediately. Isn’t this magical and mind blowing?
We typically do a good job of appreciating others at the word and action level. We keep telling each other, “Honey, I love you”. Spouses also buy each other expensive gifts. At Brahma Kumaris, I was told the relationship starts at the thought level. We might be portraying our overflowing love for each other externally, but are the internal feelings aligned with our external behavior? A spouse might buy a very rare and expensive gift, but internally s/he might be thinking, ‘the trouble and effort I have to make to please her, wish I didn’t have to do all this’. Inside we are finding the relationship to be a burden, so no matter how hard we try to hide it those feelings are received by the other half. Luckily, they will not know what we are thinking but they catch the vibes of frustration in our action. The spouse who received the gift might just say, ‘thank you, you remembered’. Then the other half reacts by saying, “I went to such lengths to buy this gift for you and this is all you can say? It is pointless to make you happy.”
How do we align our thoughts, words, and action?
Thoughts are the seed from which feelings, attitude, words, and action stem out. If we want our relationship to be sweet, then the first effort has to be in checking and correcting our thoughts. We are anyway putting effort in buying expensive gifts, then why not put a little extra effort in fixing the thoughts (feeling) associated with the actions. If we don’t have the time or don’t know how to do it, then it is better to buy a simple gift that does not require too much effort. The bottom line is, complete honesty is needed for a relationship to blossom. What is the point of saying words that we don’t mean? How long can we put an act without it getting caught? If we don’t mean it, then why say it or do it? This causes unnecessary burden and spoils the relationship. Aligning our internal feelings is nothing but talking to ourselves, checking the intent of the action, and correcting it if needed. The talking can go like this, ‘I am buying a rare and expensive gift because this will make them happy, and when they are happy it makes me happy too. In a way, this effort will make two people happy and hence it is worth putting the effort’.2. Lack of respect
We are constantly judging, dismissing, and rejecting people at the thought level. The person that is being judged receives the negative energy of disrespect from us. The judgement we have made one day comes out in the form of critical words and we are surprised at what caused us to speak like that. We tell our spouse that we did not mean it. Indeed we have been stuffing our closet (mind) with too many clothes (thoughts) and one day the closet explodes (heated words) and everything is out in the open. We have to lot of work to fix the mess and sometimes it cannot be fixed forever.How to develop respect?
Respect can be easily developed when we look at other person’s specialties. Every being in this world has atleast one specialty. When we focus on other people’s specialties, it enables that specialty to grow even more in the them and also in us. How profitable is this action? Humbly acknowledging the weaknesses in us enables us to accept others’ faults. We are all on a journey and have developed a variety of virtues and weaknesses. It is smarter to become companions and help each other in strengthening the virtues and removing the faults from each other. Doesn't that have more impact than just judging and dismissing people?
3. Expectations
In a relationship on one side we are bound by certain elements like honesty, loyalty, and responsibility. On the other side, a relationship can be successful only when we have certain freedom in making choices (abiding by integrity). Expectations take away that freedom and make the relationship very suffocating. A spouse might want the other half to constantly change as per their wish. They might not be happy even after other half obliges and changes themselves. Eventually the other half gets fed up and says. ‘I am done pleasing you, I want to be free now’. The situation is worse when both the spouses are expecting. Who is going to oblige and meet the expectation? Kids?
How to finish expectations?
A deep understanding of the harm expectations do finishes it. Expectations means we don’t have it (empty inside, void of happiness) and hence are wanting others to complete us. It is a form of begging and demanding that bind us. A realization that we can create happiness on our own finishes expectations of happiness from others. Why wait for others to say things, do certain actions, or run their life as per our wish to feel happy? Expectation puts condition to our happiness, and why would we want to be conditionally happy when we have the option to always be happy?
How to improve relationship with the spouse?
1. Adjusting NatureThe ability to mold ourselves makes us real gold. Why would anyone not want a companion who is vibrant and shining like gold😊? Lot of inner power and wisdom is needed to adjust ourselves as per others’ desires. This quality invokes our other beautiful qualities like tolerance, purity (selfless), and mercy. Many of us have silly and deep expectations like food to be made a certain way, house to be kept in a specific manner, or kids should be raised in a religious environment. One way to respond to others’ wishes is, ‘Why should I lose my independence or identity, why should I be the one always adjusts?’. The spouse also starts responding in a similar manner to our wishes, and at that time we say - ‘s/he can’t fulfill even my small wish’. Isn’t it wiser to adjust the self and gain not only others blessings but also increase the power to accommodate others? I have noticed that my spouse ends up agreeing to my opinion on big matters because he has been seeing lot of green signal from my side on his small small desires. Isn’t this magical and smarter way of living? It is important to not oblige to others request if it is against our values or core beliefs. For example if we strongly believe in vegetarianism, then we don’t need to give it up due to others expectations. Doing that certainly means losing your identity or your principles.
2. Open Communication Channel
Are we relying on friends and relatives to solve our relationship problems by listening to our stories? Aren’t they getting one sided story? It is important to ask ourselves are we looking for sympathy, acknowledgement that we are right, or seeking guidance to fix the relationship? Most of us are looking for sympathy or agreement that we are right and the spouse is wrong. This causes the relationship to deteriorate even more because we get more affirmation from our so called well wishers that Spouse is bad and we are good. Wouldn’t that give us even more fuel to feel agitated towards our partner? Why not do some deep self contemplation and figure out the root cause on our own? We are wise beings and all we need to do is to reach within for guidance. If we really want the relationship to heal, then we should either go inwards or reach out to the Spouse and have an open discussion about our concerns.
3. Listen More and Talk Less
In close relationships, we generally talk and share too much. Words have energy and can enable change to happen when used effectively and economically. When words are overused and are not in alignment with our thoughts, they lose their power (impact). That is why it is said, ‘Actions speak louder than words’. This proverb applies more to our close relationships. The need to talk prevents us from listening and understanding others’ core needs fully. It is the law of the universe that the one that fulfills others’ needs will automatically feel fulfillment. We can fulfill others only when we listen to their words and the feeling behind those words. Hurtful words spoil the relationship the most, and hence keeping the aim of talking less prevents us from making that mistake. My experience of practicing this mantra is that whenever I speak, my spouse listens fully and agrees to whatever I say immediately. Isn’t this magical and mind blowing?
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