Healing the Parent-Child Relationship

I recollect the legendary story of Pied Piper as that depicts the sentiments of today’s parents. In that story, the Piper was able to create a spell on the mice through his magical pipe. The mice without any resistance followed the Piper to the river and got drowned. Parents want their kids to listen to their every word and religiously follow their direction without any questions. Indeed in the good old days back in India, this wish of parents got fulfilled. In today’s world, the biggest complaint of the parents is that the kids don’t listen to them. The kids have a mind of their own even when they are a toddler. Then why will they use the mind of their parents? Parents want kids to take their advice because they have experience and wisdom. Unfortunately telling the kids, ‘I know better’, does not help but makes matter worse. Should parents let go of their pure wish to help kids in avoiding mistakes because they know from their experience? Ego will certainly make parents not want to help their kids and let children bear the consequences of not taking their guidance. I was given a magical formula like the one Pied Piper possessed at Brahma Kumaris. Whenever I use that, it creates a spell on my children, and they follow my directions. It has made our relationship beautiful and strong. Would you like to know more about the formula?

Magical Formula - “Balance Between Love and Law”

Love is the most empowering quality and yet many times that becomes the cause of downfall.  We have heard, “Love is blind”, why? I learnt that love given without law (or where there is an imbalance of love and law) is blind love. The feeling of love is expressed through the heart but it still needs the guidance of the mind to ensure that our love is uplifting the child in the long run.

Give love lawfully (प्यार में शिक्षा भरी हो)

Many parents blindly fulfill child’s every demand when they are young due to many reasons

1. Laziness or Ignorance: A toddler or a young child might be using tantrums as a weapon whenever their demands are not met. A parent might not want to deal with the tantrum and take the time to calm the child down. It is also possible that the parent does not know how to calm the child and make them understand why their demand is not being met.
2. Short Sightedness:  It is possible that growing up a parent did not have many facilities and luxuries. Such parents typically feel their kids should have everything that they never possessed.
3. Ego: Due to ego many parents feel their kids can never err because they have given them the best upbringing. Is that really possible?
4. Attachment (मोह): Attachment is becoming dependent on someone to experience love and happiness. Some parents are so attached that they cannot stand even a slightest pain, tears, or difficulty in their kid’s life.

Consequences of Giving Love Without Law (Blind)

• A child that receives everything without any effort ends up being lazy and cannot value money or any gifts received.
• The kid does not know how to handle rejection if every whims and fancy is being met at home.
• The child ends being spoiled because they have not been disciplined or taught the difference between right and wrong.
• Blind love makes the child dependent on their parent for finances, protection, and attention.
• A child brought up with blind love cannot accept critical feedback because s/he has never received corrections and is used to only receiving praises.

Use or Apply Law Lovefully (शिक्षा प्यार से दो)

Discipline or any law becomes easy to follow if the environment around is filled with love. As a child, we first receive love and then the laws of do’s and don'ts. It is love that makes the child feel safe and understand slowly that parents make suggestions for their well being. On the contrary a child feels suffocated and scared around strict parents. They are eagerly waiting to leave the house that is filled with rules and regulations. What is point of our strictness if the child did not learn the importance of the rules we were trying to impose on them? How ineffective is our method if the child lives life against the teachings the moment parent is out of sight?

Consequences of Applying Law Without Love (Sternness)

• A child ends up being a sadist, dispirited, and without confidence when their upbringing is done with laws deprived of love
• A child loses their confidence if correction happens at every step or critical feedback is provided on every small mistake
• Any guidance from parents feel like strict military rules to children when the environment surrounding them is sternness
• It is ego that prevents parents from explaining to the kids the importance of certain rules of the house. Parents feel they know better and expect the child to blindly follow them. Do parents always know better? Even if they did, their constant interference prevents the child from making their own decisions.
• For e.g. a parent creates a rule that curfew time is 8:00 pm. This rule is to protect the child from this unsafe world. But as the child does not have the maturity, the rule comes across as parents are being bossy. Parent’s ego refuses to explain to the child lovingly the importance of safety. As kid is unable to see the importance of the rule and is only see parent’s being bossy,  the kid might immaturely break the law and get themselves in danger. The law was there for a good reason, but without love it did not solve the purpose.
• In the situation above the parent could lovingly explain to the kid the importance of safety and why it was important for them to be home by certain time. Like a friend they could tell the kid, that the law was only for their benefit and this might make the child lovingly obey it.
• A parent child relationship is in constant conflict when laws over dominates the love. A growing child wants to become independent, and hence becomes frustrated if they are constantly asked to be dependent on their parent for guidance.

How to Maintain Balance between Love and Law?

Parent’s love enables a child to develop self respect and parent’s upbringing (do’s and don’ts, laws) enable a child to become a virtuous adult. Indeed it is a huge responsibility on parent’s shoulder. Yet, this duty can be fulfilled easily if balance between love and law is maintained.

Most of the parents are at any given moment only being lovefull by blindly fulfilling child’s every demand, or being strict and imposing laws on the child. The first key is to not lose the long term vision of profit and loss our every act might bring in child’s development. We lose that long term vision when we are needy of wanting to be in the good books of the child or too lazy to deal with their tantrums. The 2nd key needed is to not lose respect (love) for the child even when they have made a severe mistake. Parents are responsible for helping a child develop good character, so they do need to correct the child. Yet, the correction should be only for the action and not the child itself. Many times parents end up giving all kinds of names (You are useless, lazy, disrespectful, dumb, etc.) to children even when they make a small mistake. This disrespect or criticism takes away the confidence and self esteem from the child. It is hard for the child to correct a mistake when they do not have confidence (or power) and are not getting support of their parents to correct the mistake. The kid still tries to make a good effort and fix it superficially so that parent is not upset with them. The correction does not happen at the deep level because the child did not have the power/wisdom and did not receive it from their parents to make that kind of change.

How to Handle Teenagers’ Disrespectful Behavior?

Few generations back it was okay to expect respect from kids because that expectation was unquestionably always met. In today’s world, that expectation is rarely met. Then, does it help if we keep reminding the kids or the self that, ‘I always respected my parents?’ Times have changed, and we will be miserable if we don’t change our expectations. Does it mean we need to change our reasonable expectation? Shouldn’t the unreasonable teenager be the one that should change? The secret is that when we change for better the world around us changes for better. That change is not to stop caring about the teenager, wait till they fail and come back to us for help. It is to accept their behavior by creating peaceful and wise thoughts like

• It is a tough phase that they are going through, and I need to be there to help them come out of it
• It must be some kind of peer pressure or a tough day in school
• It is the return of karma that I need to settle with peace
• They are immature and hence are creating disrespect.
• I cannot copycat their immature behavior and yell at them

The thoughts above enable us to maintain love for the teenager in a tough situation. After the love has been created, we need to balance it with law and discipline their incorrect behavior.
An Elevated Vision Empowers and Guides the Kid

Future is unknown and many times due to it parents create a pessimistic and worrisome image about their child's future. Does that help in preventing the worst possible situation from coming or enables it to become live in kid's fortune? Are parents unknowingly inviting trouble into their kids' future by unnecessarily sending negative images and vibes to the universe? Faith in the upbringing, our kids abilities, and the unknown future is very important. If we don't know what is going to knock on the door of children's future, then why make negative predictions? Why not instead make positive predictions about a bright future? The elevated vision that we create for the child sends a very strong signal (positive energy) to the universe and to the child. This enables positive things to happen in their future, It also makes the child feel secured and confident about themselves due to the support from their parent. The elevated vision also guides the kid in the right path and prevents them from succumbing to stupid mistakes made due to peer pressure.
I call my teenager daughter an angel, a dignified and elegant being. This is my vision for her and I have full faith that she is and will continue to be this even in future. Whenever I see her angelic behavior, I will compliment on her inner beauty and this pleases her. It reinforces the good behavior in her. If I see her sway from this fairy vision, I jokingly and wisely remind her to come back to her elevated state. When she is out of the house on her own, my hope is that this elevated image of herself is ingrained deep within her. I am confident this will not only empower her but also prevent her from making serious mistakes.