Healing Relationship with the Self

Technology is being used to such an extent that it leaves no room for us to have a real relationship with the self or others. Extroversion is at its peak where most people cannot be without their phone for even a second. We are constantly exposing ourselves to the outside world of objects, people, and situations. Do we realize that there is an inner world of thoughts, feelings, and attitudes? The relationship with the self is non-existent if we do not know our inner world. Sometimes the inner being becomes very loud when it is hurt, angry, or fearful. We cannot handle this chaos, as we do not know how to heal ourselves. We distract the self even more by watching a movie, indulging in some food, or letting time heal our wounds. Do the wounds really heal, or do they leave the permanent marks of hopelessness in our hearts? We are taught at Brahma Kumaris that if the relationship with the self becomes beautiful, then all relationships will automatically heal. Let's embark upon a voyage to understand the self, because relationship cannot be built without knowing the self.

Secret Ingredients for Successful Relationships

The first ingredient for a successful relationship is respecting (loving) each other. It is not the superficial respect where we say beautiful words but internally think negatively about them. The second ingredient would be do and say things that bring happiness to the other person. The third ingredient needed is empowering (or bringing benefit) the other person through our every action (support) and words (encouraging). The last but not the least ingredient is to spend quality time with the person. We understand someone better (their likes and dislikes) only when we spend time with them. For example, we might assume that women enjoy jewelry and buy an expensive ring to please them. On the contrary, that person might have been wishing for something more thoughtful and personal.

Habits and Attitudes that Harm the Relationship with the Self

Based on the above paragraph on key ingredients for a successful relationship, it is easy to contemplate that anything that takes away our happiness, respect, power, and our time with the self is harmful in building relationship with the self.

Self Pity

Unknowingly and subconsciously many of us feel sorry for the self. In a way we are blaming others, world, or God for our misery. Self pity takes away our happiness and it doesn’t return till the person who took it away returns it back. Many people end up waiting forever for others to return their happiness back. The loss of happiness cause us to lose our power and confidence too.
Low Self Esteem (I can’t do it) - Disheartenment
A person might lack self confidence due to the culture, society, or upbringing. Such a person finds it difficult to complete even an easy task and they end up relying on others for everything. It makes that being a dependent, and can a dependent feel power or happiness on their own? Spirituality says faith in the self enables our hidden (dormant) powers to emerge. The fear of failure due to low self esteem prevents us from taking up challenges. Focusing on our specialties, strengths, and good deeds helps us in maintaining respect for the self.
Guilt
It is a slow and steady poison that kills us eventually by taking away all our happiness, power, and confidence. Let's ask ourselves, does feeling guilty help in any way? Can it help in fixing the mistake made in the past? Isn’t guilt an attack on the self that weakens it? If guilt weakens the self then how do we get the strength to correct ourselves for the mistake we made? If someone is extremely mean to us, we can move away from them. How do we move away from the self that is constantly (slow and steady poison) saying mean things to the self? Indeed we need to realize our mistake, learn from it, and make a firm resolve to not repeat it. If we have hurt someone, then it is good to ask for forgiveness. It is very important to forgive ourselves even if others are not able to forgive us. Guilt weakens the soul, and a weak person will make even more mistakes.
High Self Esteem (Arrogance)

Superiority complex prevents us from growing because of a false belief that we are the best in everything. It makes us be at war with every single being that does not think we are the best. Happiness of such a being constantly wavers because it is dependent on what others think about them versus what they think about themselves.
Carelessness

A huge difference exists between carefree and careless attitude. A person can remain carefree only when they have full faith or confidence in the self, life, and God. This faith is not a frivolous one that just hopes for the best and does not make any effort. That is exactly what a careless person would do, but a carefree being would do everything in their power to resolve the issue elegantly and calmly. Careless attitude prevents us from growth, causes us to waste time and energy in useless activities, and keeps us from reaching our highest potential. People around a careless being end up experiencing lot of stress because of their lack of accountability,dedication, and seriousness. A careless being ends up feeling stressed and sad because that is what they are giving to others.
Habits that Move us Away from the Self

1. Unlimited time or constantly being on the phone cause the mind to be distracted. We read many things on the mobile, and then mind is busy in processing it. Are we stabilizing the self or exposing it to more distractions?
2. Starting and ending the day with technology (TV, Computer, or Phone) causes us to start and end our day with restlessness. Emails, social media, or news are filled with negative or meaningless information (jokes, random, or silly stuff).  Early in the morning, the mind is like a sponge and absorbs everything that is put in it fully. Do we want to fill our minds with negativity or positivity?
3. Consumerism leads to lot of greed and that makes us discontent. The mind is constantly distracted with many desires (I want coffee, alcohol, latest brands, car, etc.). In today’s time consumerism is at its peak, so lets check if that has lead to more peace and happiness in our lives?

Understanding the Self Heals the Relationship with the Self

We need to spend time with ourselves and understand our core need, things that bring benefit to us, and habits that empower us. Extroversion and materialism moves us away from the self. They make us dependent on objects, people, and situations. The core need of the self is happiness, and we are designed to meet that need on our own.

Habits that Move us Closer to the Self

1. Meditation is a technique to observe our inner being and slowly understand it deeply. It is a way to understand our emotions and be aware of them constantly. We are constantly creating feelings, and most of the time we are unaware that these feelings are harming us. Meditation introduces us to our attitudes, feelings, and thoughts.
2. Being aware of our inner world is the first step, and the next step is to change the negative part of the self. We need spiritual knowledge to understand which emotions are good versus bad. In today’s world spiritual knowledge is very important because most people say it is natural and justified to get angry, stressed, and worried. How can negative emotions be natural and justified? It is these type of belief systems that have moved us away from taking care of the self. Reading knowledge that empowers the spirit every day (early morning is better) helps in correcting our incorrect belief systems.
3. Self reflection or introspection is also key to healing the self. We live in a fast paced and action oriented world. Many times we are unaware of our feelings during that time. Hence it is important to write a journal in the night about our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. We should pat ourselves when we note that we were able to maintain positive attitude in a tough situation. If we lost our cool, then we should ask ourselves why and what could we do differently in future?

Meditation Commentaries

Healing the Heart

Being Gentle with the Self

Self Esteem